I am facing a loss and as much as it pains me, I have a larger worry. As difficult as it is to accept the impending death of a friend, a fellow mother, it is even harder to contemplate how to explain to my eleven year old that her best friend's mom is going to die. Some lessons in life are harder than others and I had hoped to spare Chloe this particular lesson until she was older. But the world isn't perfect, or even fair for that matter, and we're stuck making sense of the hand we're dealt.
Which leaves me with consoling a child who will miss an adult she is fond of, and has known most of her life, and who will grieve for her friend. More troubling to me is how to confront her loss of faith in constancy and stability. Chloe will now have to face the sad truth that her parents are indeed vulnerable. Anyone can die, and that is a scary truth to deal with at any age. We have been very fortunate and blessed, Chloe has enjoyed an extremely sheltered childhood with few notable traumas. No deaths or divorces have marred her life up to this point. Which I guess means, sadly it's time.
Parenting is never a simple task, but some aspects are markedly more challenging than others. I want Chloe to be able to empathize with her friend's loss, but not to identify with it so strongly that she loses her own sense of security. And, I get to manage this while dealing with the sadness of losing a second young friend to cancer.
For us the answer lies in our faith. Because I need Chloe to understand that, even in the face of the worst tragedy, God is with her, and promises to shoulder that grief for her. I can't assure Chloe that her dad and I won't get sick, or die, but what I can give her is the promise that only God can make. The promise that death is not the end for those with a belief in Christ, that her hope and faith in a secure future, while not guaranteed on this earth, is a certainty with her Heavenly Father. But even armed with that knowledge it's hard to say goodbye, and it's hard to watch those you love suffer. I suspect it's something we'll both be struggling with for the next few weeks.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
"Soul"y Responsible
My blog has been kind of quiet lately, I'm guessing that's in part due to a break that my "Boundaries" study group has taken over the last few weeks. Those women just have an unbelievably, gentle way of dragging me kicking and screaming to the truth. The clarity that comes out of these study times sometimes astounds me. Today was one of those days.
We started off talking about one member's daughter who has gone off to college. Academically she's got it all together, her spiritual life however is proving to be a bigger challenge, at least that's what her mom is worried about. We sat and listened and let her talk it out, and then we all agreed that in the end, it's just hard letting them go and potentially fall victim to the very things we worked so hard, for so many years protecting them from.
I said "it's hard to be a parent and be solely responsible for someone". And that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks, which is an odd euphemism for hearing God break in and speak to you, but in all honesty my guess is, that due to a general lack of perception on my part, bricks are what He's left with in order to garner my attention. The truth is, that no one loves your child the way God does, no one *knows* your child like God does, and certainly no one has a bigger investment in their success than He does.
You'd have thought it was a lesson I had already learned with one of my own. In second grade Chloe had a horrible, horrible year. To begin with she was struggling with a lack of focus, and compounding that problem was a classroom setting worthy of a horror movie. An incredibly disturbed child continually acted out violently, finally necessitating a code word for classroom evacuation. At the end of the year, many people encouraged me to write letters requesting specific teachers, or classroom settings, which I will admit I was tempted to do. In the end though, I decided to test God, took a leap of faith, and just gave the whole situation over to Him, with the understanding that no one had more insight about what Chloe needed than He did. The results could not have been better. In every way 3rd grade was a success, and I learned my first real lesson in intentional prayer, and entrusting my children to God.
I'd love to tell you how consistent I am with that faith, but we all know how untrue that would be. Realistically it's a process, one of God raising my husband and me while we, along with Him, raise our children. In the give and take of every day life we have to remind ourselves daily of His promise to walk alongside us in partnership as we uncover the mysteries of His wonderful gifts that are our children.
Maybe you're skeptical, a control freak, or just really don't believe it. If so, I have a challenge for you. The next time you're faced with a particularly difficult parenting decision, take a moment and ask the One who uniquely knit that child in your womb *His* perspective, and I promise parenting will never be the same again.
We started off talking about one member's daughter who has gone off to college. Academically she's got it all together, her spiritual life however is proving to be a bigger challenge, at least that's what her mom is worried about. We sat and listened and let her talk it out, and then we all agreed that in the end, it's just hard letting them go and potentially fall victim to the very things we worked so hard, for so many years protecting them from.
I said "it's hard to be a parent and be solely responsible for someone". And that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks, which is an odd euphemism for hearing God break in and speak to you, but in all honesty my guess is, that due to a general lack of perception on my part, bricks are what He's left with in order to garner my attention. The truth is, that no one loves your child the way God does, no one *knows* your child like God does, and certainly no one has a bigger investment in their success than He does.
You'd have thought it was a lesson I had already learned with one of my own. In second grade Chloe had a horrible, horrible year. To begin with she was struggling with a lack of focus, and compounding that problem was a classroom setting worthy of a horror movie. An incredibly disturbed child continually acted out violently, finally necessitating a code word for classroom evacuation. At the end of the year, many people encouraged me to write letters requesting specific teachers, or classroom settings, which I will admit I was tempted to do. In the end though, I decided to test God, took a leap of faith, and just gave the whole situation over to Him, with the understanding that no one had more insight about what Chloe needed than He did. The results could not have been better. In every way 3rd grade was a success, and I learned my first real lesson in intentional prayer, and entrusting my children to God.
I'd love to tell you how consistent I am with that faith, but we all know how untrue that would be. Realistically it's a process, one of God raising my husband and me while we, along with Him, raise our children. In the give and take of every day life we have to remind ourselves daily of His promise to walk alongside us in partnership as we uncover the mysteries of His wonderful gifts that are our children.
Maybe you're skeptical, a control freak, or just really don't believe it. If so, I have a challenge for you. The next time you're faced with a particularly difficult parenting decision, take a moment and ask the One who uniquely knit that child in your womb *His* perspective, and I promise parenting will never be the same again.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Adventures in swim suit buying. (An oldie but goodie)
Well, as you know, I have an exotic trip coming up and need a bathing suit. So I see this beautiful orange wrap style "slimsuit" in a catalog with a matching pareo and I just *know* it's going to look great on me. I envision Andre and I walking hand in hand on this white sand beach with me looking stunning in my glamorous suit. Fast forward to yesterday when it finally arrived. My first inclination of trouble should have been when I felt the fabric. I mean, this is like high grade rubber, Chloe could use it for a trampoline! Well, I think, it's a tummy control panel and I continued to try it on.
The darn thing actually comes with instructions! "Step one: inch the slimsuit on slowly as you would a pair of pantyhose." Check. "Step two: position underwire under breasts." Well, it's more like: lift sagging boobs above underwire, but OK, check. "Step three: VERY carefully pull straps up taking care as to not accidentally unfasten said straps which could literally slingshot around and do permanent eye damage." (OK, so I added the part about the slingshot, you get the picture). Check. "Step four: stand back and admire. Slimsuit will take at least one inch off your waist and hips." Check. I mean it really DOES take off an inch and looks great, until I look at the view from the rear. OMG, it has taken an inch of fat off and PUSHED it up where no fat should be. I mean, now I have a hump the size of Mt. Everest! I look like Quasimoto! But, never fear, I have yet to wrap the gorgeous pareo around my now cinched waist. Surely that will distract from the obvious lump displayed on my upper back. BTW, how the heck do you tie those things anyway? OK, check, it's tied, but now I realize that I just look like a camel in an orange rubber tube with a rag tied around my waist. So, now the question remains: Do I need to visit the tanning booth before my trip if I'm going to wear a full length robe on the beach???
The darn thing actually comes with instructions! "Step one: inch the slimsuit on slowly as you would a pair of pantyhose." Check. "Step two: position underwire under breasts." Well, it's more like: lift sagging boobs above underwire, but OK, check. "Step three: VERY carefully pull straps up taking care as to not accidentally unfasten said straps which could literally slingshot around and do permanent eye damage." (OK, so I added the part about the slingshot, you get the picture). Check. "Step four: stand back and admire. Slimsuit will take at least one inch off your waist and hips." Check. I mean it really DOES take off an inch and looks great, until I look at the view from the rear. OMG, it has taken an inch of fat off and PUSHED it up where no fat should be. I mean, now I have a hump the size of Mt. Everest! I look like Quasimoto! But, never fear, I have yet to wrap the gorgeous pareo around my now cinched waist. Surely that will distract from the obvious lump displayed on my upper back. BTW, how the heck do you tie those things anyway? OK, check, it's tied, but now I realize that I just look like a camel in an orange rubber tube with a rag tied around my waist. So, now the question remains: Do I need to visit the tanning booth before my trip if I'm going to wear a full length robe on the beach???
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
In life you can't always get the upper locker
I did the first round of registration at middle school for my youngest child today. It was bittersweet; I can't believe my "baby" is almost 12, well honestly that's easier to swallow than having my oldest be almost 21, or turning 45 next month, but I digress.
It's an exciting and nerve wracking time entering middle school to be sure, so I wasn't completely surprised at the range of emotions the kids displayed today. I *was* shocked though at some of the parental responses to those emotions. One child, when assigned a lower locker, burst into tears. The upper lockers are always coveted because people tend to drop things, sometimes heavy things on those with lower lockers. I get the disappointment, but crying? Really?
Back in the day, if that had happened a parent would have said "it's ok, it's not that bad, you'll get used to it" and let it go. Nowadays the first thing a parent would do is march over and demand another locker to "fix it", so that their child would be happy. Because that's what matters now, that their children always be happy and never, ever be disappointed.
The sad thing is, what does that teach them, other than that they're entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it? That all they need to do is throw a hissy fit until they get their way? And, it's not just about gaining material things.
We have an entire generation of people who have lost the ability to learn from their adversities. And there is much to be learned. Appreciation, grace, dignity, and humility are just a few of the skills that come to mind. Being able to handle a fiasco with tact and finesse is a lost art, as anyone who has entered an airport recently can attest to. Instead, we're faced with an army of angry, demanding, unyielding people. Where does that leave us?
There's certainly nothing wrong with striving for a particular thing, or outcome. Just like there is nothing wrong with being sad when it doesn't work out. The gift is in the lesson learned in the meantime. As Mick Jagger said "You can't always get what you want. You can try sometimes, and you just might find you get what you need". And, in the end, isn't that what we *really* want for our kids, that they find what they need?
It's an exciting and nerve wracking time entering middle school to be sure, so I wasn't completely surprised at the range of emotions the kids displayed today. I *was* shocked though at some of the parental responses to those emotions. One child, when assigned a lower locker, burst into tears. The upper lockers are always coveted because people tend to drop things, sometimes heavy things on those with lower lockers. I get the disappointment, but crying? Really?
Back in the day, if that had happened a parent would have said "it's ok, it's not that bad, you'll get used to it" and let it go. Nowadays the first thing a parent would do is march over and demand another locker to "fix it", so that their child would be happy. Because that's what matters now, that their children always be happy and never, ever be disappointed.
The sad thing is, what does that teach them, other than that they're entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it? That all they need to do is throw a hissy fit until they get their way? And, it's not just about gaining material things.
We have an entire generation of people who have lost the ability to learn from their adversities. And there is much to be learned. Appreciation, grace, dignity, and humility are just a few of the skills that come to mind. Being able to handle a fiasco with tact and finesse is a lost art, as anyone who has entered an airport recently can attest to. Instead, we're faced with an army of angry, demanding, unyielding people. Where does that leave us?
There's certainly nothing wrong with striving for a particular thing, or outcome. Just like there is nothing wrong with being sad when it doesn't work out. The gift is in the lesson learned in the meantime. As Mick Jagger said "You can't always get what you want. You can try sometimes, and you just might find you get what you need". And, in the end, isn't that what we *really* want for our kids, that they find what they need?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Reality Check
Last week my daughter and I watched (or should I say, were shocked and couldn't look away from) the reality show "Jerseylicious". For those of you who have not seen the show (and it definitely is a "show"), and feel the need to delve into the seedier part of life, you can tune in and experience it for yourselves. My blog is not about the show per se, although it, and pretty much every other minute of reality television could certainly provide a ton of writing material. It's really about one of the story lines this week that revolved around an interesting practice apparently popular in New Jersey called "Trash the Dress". The premise being that you don your wedding dress (post wedding of course) and literally "trash" your dress while being photographed. I must admit the idea was completely foreign and bizarre to me. Who would spend all that money on a dress only to purposely destroy it? And then I realized my larger concern, *everything* in our society is disposable.
Clearly the ability to have disposable, single use items such as diapers, razors and soda cans is a huge convenience. But, the term "disposable" has so invaded our vocabularies that it's attached to all manner of things from plates and cameras to incomes. The problem, in my opinion, is that too many individuals seem to treat their entire lives like paper napkins,to use and toss. This approach is applied to everything from material possessions to marriages. Nothing is cherished, or deemed important enough to really work at or salvage. Sick of your cell phone? Buy a new one. Not satisfied with your job? Find another. Marriage hit a rough spot? No problem, there's no fault divorce.
When did we sink so low as to rate our relationships like our toys, to be tossed aside at the first sign of frustration, boredom, or inconvenience? In our zeal to take advantage of our multitudes of blessings we have failed to appreciate the biggest ones of all, each other. The definition of disposable is "expendable", and "unnecessary". Really? Is that what people are now? Are our friendships, families, marriages and even pregnancies so unimportant, so easily replaced that they can be thrown away so readily?
I hope not, I pray not, because in my experience there is nothing so valuable, so irreplaceable as people. The only things we should be tossing are the things taking the place of what's really important.
Clearly the ability to have disposable, single use items such as diapers, razors and soda cans is a huge convenience. But, the term "disposable" has so invaded our vocabularies that it's attached to all manner of things from plates and cameras to incomes. The problem, in my opinion, is that too many individuals seem to treat their entire lives like paper napkins,to use and toss. This approach is applied to everything from material possessions to marriages. Nothing is cherished, or deemed important enough to really work at or salvage. Sick of your cell phone? Buy a new one. Not satisfied with your job? Find another. Marriage hit a rough spot? No problem, there's no fault divorce.
When did we sink so low as to rate our relationships like our toys, to be tossed aside at the first sign of frustration, boredom, or inconvenience? In our zeal to take advantage of our multitudes of blessings we have failed to appreciate the biggest ones of all, each other. The definition of disposable is "expendable", and "unnecessary". Really? Is that what people are now? Are our friendships, families, marriages and even pregnancies so unimportant, so easily replaced that they can be thrown away so readily?
I hope not, I pray not, because in my experience there is nothing so valuable, so irreplaceable as people. The only things we should be tossing are the things taking the place of what's really important.
Monday, July 19, 2010
No Service Here
I am spoiled. Okay? I admit it. My husband travels a lot. A whole lot. And, he has acquired the coveted "Platinum Status" on one airline, which I won't reveal, but whose name starts with a "C" and ends with an "l" and there is an o-n-t-i-n-e-n-t-a in the middle. With all of his flying, he enjoys this status and I enjoy it too. I freely admit I like the priority luggage handling, not to mention that I can take 2 bags for free, and they don't even get hinky if I bring extra shoes and the bags are a bit heavy. I appreciate the free first class upgrades, the early boarding and the free drinks in the President's Club while we wait for our flight. In short, I enjoy the pampering, I relish the *service*.
But honestly, shouldn't good service be expected with the purchase of every ticket? I understand the drive for certain perks for people who fly often, it reinforces loyalty in an industry that is largely ruled by price. However, even though I personally don't fly a lot, if I pay several hundred dollars for a seat, don't I have the right to expect a certain level of accommodation as well?
Part of the trouble stems from downsizing the airline workforce to cut costs. And, I get that, I'm a capitalist girl. Why pay 10 people to do the job when 5 can reasonably handle it? Here's the rub though. No one seems to take pride in their work anymore. As we were struggling in Memphis trying to find an alternate flight for our delayed one, we were directed over and over to the self serve kiosk. Now, I don't have any innate issue with using a machine EXCEPT when said machine is not programmed to assist with my problem. Repeatedly we tried to get one of the kiosk "assistants" (I use the term loosely, but to be fair they *were* assisting, well, assisting each other with gossip), but they pointedly ignored us until finally I started to lose it, and one lady ambled over and said "oh yeah, you have to go to "special services" for that. Anyone know how Delta defines "special services"? If you guessed "an empty counter with no one working", then ding, ding, ding you win the prize. And through all this I couldn't help but wonder where the idea of service has gone. Why did not one of those employed "assistants" bother to see what was wrong *before* we missed our SECOND flight option ? Why did none of them call for a manager to help? Why did no one *care* that we spent $2300 only to be delayed 5 times on 4 flights, have 2 flights canceled, and spend and unreasonable amount of time looking for someone competent enough that was willing to do their job? I'm not sure I can blame *any* company for replacing workers like that with machines.
So, as I get ready to undertake another trip, I am comforted by the fact that *this* time I can expect to be treated well, that my luggage (both bags) checked early, will be first off the plane and there will always be someone there ready and willing to fix any problems that crop up, because of course this time, I'm traveling with Mr. Million Miles. But, I will be looking for the familiar frustrated face of the poor soul who, lacking this elite status, battles for someone, anyone to provide him with the service he also paid for.
But honestly, shouldn't good service be expected with the purchase of every ticket? I understand the drive for certain perks for people who fly often, it reinforces loyalty in an industry that is largely ruled by price. However, even though I personally don't fly a lot, if I pay several hundred dollars for a seat, don't I have the right to expect a certain level of accommodation as well?
Part of the trouble stems from downsizing the airline workforce to cut costs. And, I get that, I'm a capitalist girl. Why pay 10 people to do the job when 5 can reasonably handle it? Here's the rub though. No one seems to take pride in their work anymore. As we were struggling in Memphis trying to find an alternate flight for our delayed one, we were directed over and over to the self serve kiosk. Now, I don't have any innate issue with using a machine EXCEPT when said machine is not programmed to assist with my problem. Repeatedly we tried to get one of the kiosk "assistants" (I use the term loosely, but to be fair they *were* assisting, well, assisting each other with gossip), but they pointedly ignored us until finally I started to lose it, and one lady ambled over and said "oh yeah, you have to go to "special services" for that. Anyone know how Delta defines "special services"? If you guessed "an empty counter with no one working", then ding, ding, ding you win the prize. And through all this I couldn't help but wonder where the idea of service has gone. Why did not one of those employed "assistants" bother to see what was wrong *before* we missed our SECOND flight option ? Why did none of them call for a manager to help? Why did no one *care* that we spent $2300 only to be delayed 5 times on 4 flights, have 2 flights canceled, and spend and unreasonable amount of time looking for someone competent enough that was willing to do their job? I'm not sure I can blame *any* company for replacing workers like that with machines.
So, as I get ready to undertake another trip, I am comforted by the fact that *this* time I can expect to be treated well, that my luggage (both bags) checked early, will be first off the plane and there will always be someone there ready and willing to fix any problems that crop up, because of course this time, I'm traveling with Mr. Million Miles. But, I will be looking for the familiar frustrated face of the poor soul who, lacking this elite status, battles for someone, anyone to provide him with the service he also paid for.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Great Expectations
I have never thought of myself as a naive person, so imagine my surprise at recently being informed by several different people (ok, one of which was my oldest daughter who thinks I'm perpetually out of the loop) that I have some unrealistic expectations. Our discussions had initially revolved around an unfortunate lawsuit we find ourselves embroiled in, which is whole 'nother blog post (I promise I'll warn you ahead of time), but gradually I began to realize that my expectations are indeed different.
I actually believed this foray into the civil justice system (and I use the term as loosely as possible here) to be about truth. We would tell the truth and the judge would look at the evidence and that would be that. I could not have been more wrong. Instead it's become a game of who's "side" is more believable, and the bigger the spin, the better. It's way worse than buying a used car by the way. But, that isn't even the most disturbing aspect of it all. No one, except me, seems to find any of this the least bit surprising.
There is a growing apathy in this world toward certain previous standards of behavior and it's very disturbing. At first when confronted with this conflict of expectations I was shocked, then I grew defensive disputing my naivety, then, I just became sad. What is wrong with expecting the truth? What is naive about the notion that people should be honest and, better still, be held accountable if they're not? Everywhere I look people seem to treat truth like it's an offering in a cafeteria line to be passed up with disdain like cooked spinach. When did we replace integrity and ethics with justification and apathy? Why don't we hold people to higher standards, especially our courts and elected officials? If we don't require a certain level of sincerity is it reasonable to think anyone at all will adhere to any standards?
I've been told that it's simplistic to say that this course is wrong. Well, I don't care, it *is* wrong. And, you can label me gullible, naive, guileless, whatever, it doesn't matter. I refuse to lower my expectations or to allow justification and cynicism to replace integrity in my life. Great Expectations? You bet, and I won't apologize for it.
I actually believed this foray into the civil justice system (and I use the term as loosely as possible here) to be about truth. We would tell the truth and the judge would look at the evidence and that would be that. I could not have been more wrong. Instead it's become a game of who's "side" is more believable, and the bigger the spin, the better. It's way worse than buying a used car by the way. But, that isn't even the most disturbing aspect of it all. No one, except me, seems to find any of this the least bit surprising.
There is a growing apathy in this world toward certain previous standards of behavior and it's very disturbing. At first when confronted with this conflict of expectations I was shocked, then I grew defensive disputing my naivety, then, I just became sad. What is wrong with expecting the truth? What is naive about the notion that people should be honest and, better still, be held accountable if they're not? Everywhere I look people seem to treat truth like it's an offering in a cafeteria line to be passed up with disdain like cooked spinach. When did we replace integrity and ethics with justification and apathy? Why don't we hold people to higher standards, especially our courts and elected officials? If we don't require a certain level of sincerity is it reasonable to think anyone at all will adhere to any standards?
I've been told that it's simplistic to say that this course is wrong. Well, I don't care, it *is* wrong. And, you can label me gullible, naive, guileless, whatever, it doesn't matter. I refuse to lower my expectations or to allow justification and cynicism to replace integrity in my life. Great Expectations? You bet, and I won't apologize for it.
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