When your "crappies" outweigh your "happies"

We have this little ritual in my core group, which for those of you who aren't familiar with the core group concept, is a small group of teens, who along with a couple of adult leaders, meet weekly to share their walk with God, among other less serious things. We always start off our meetings with our "happies and crappies" for the week after our social time has ended. The kids like it, and their stories range from horrible tests, to worries about friends and family, and sometimes it goes even deeper than that. Every week as Wednesday rolls around I consider what I'm going to share when it's my turn, which lately, has been a whole lot of "crappy" with very little "happy".

I am in a funk, it's been coming on for a while, but it's evolving into a state where I'm considering hiring an industrial strength tow truck to haul me out. There's no shortage of reasons for this mood of mine, honestly 2010 has dished out more than her share of hurts to me and mine, and I've had about all that I can take, which leads me to this week's "happy and crappy" evaluation.

I was running it through my mind as I prepared our lesson for the week, and started feeling really guilty. Guilty about my mood, for my low tolerance for frustration, for my lack of "get up and go". I mean, what kind of good Christian struggles like this? And that's when I heard the little voice in my head, (the one that keeps me on track and reminds me of what is *actually* true), say "Rebecca, you are as I made you. I'm not looking for "good" Christians, I'm looking for "real" ones." Huh. Well, that made me stop and think.

And what did I learn from this "conversation" you ask? Well, I think the real value in sharing a Christian walk with someone is not in seeing how well they handle the good times, but how they deal with all the "crappies". We all can be happy and faithful to God when things are going well, but how many of us continue to give thanks and praise and wait patiently when things, to put it bluntly, really stink? That's the real lesson in Christianity, continuing to put one foot in front of the other while keeping faith that things, while not great right now, are being done for His glory and in His perfect timing.

So, I will continue to soldier on and try to wait faithfully for some resolution to the problems and hurts I'm facing, and in it all I will look around me with hope and expectation of seeing His work and His blessings even when they look very small in comparison. And I will take comfort in the knowledge that, in all of this, while I'm not the "best" Christian, I remain very real.

Despite what a Boy Scout will tell you, you can never be fully prepared

The motto of the Boy Scouts of America is "Be Prepared", and damn I would have made an excellent Boy Scout. I mean I was the one who was always planning and making sure that I had whatever I needed to accomplish any task, a trait that I apparently did *not* pass on to any of my children, but that is another blog. Even when I found myself in a situation where I was at a loss, I could always count on my resourcefulness to pull me through. I am nothing if not prepared and resourceful, except, unless you see me handle a death.

To be fair, I've come to realize that none of us is fully prepared. On a personal level I witnessed it with the deaths of my grandfather and my friend Michelle. I *knew* they were dying, everyone did, but somehow at the moment of their passing it just seemed like such a surprise. To have such a real, *living* part of your life taken away is profoundly shocking.

I had the great fortune to attend a "Women of Faith" conference last year with some friends and it was very moving. There were many wonderful, truthful things spoken during that weekend, but one speaker particularly comes to my mind. Marilyn Meberg was talking and she said that the reason that none of us handle pain, sickness, and death very well is that we weren't created to have to cope with that. I remember at the time that her statement rang so true for me and I'm sure God intended it that way. Thinking about it now I see exactly what she means. It is so completely wrong, in every sense of the word to watch someone whither and die in excruciating pain, and anything wrong, cannot be of God. We were created as His children to live with Him and each other in community forever, and anything that does not further that goal will bring us nothing but misery and grief. Of course the reality is that, because of sin, we live in an imperfect world, and sickness is a visible sign of that imperfection.

All of which brought me to yesterday when my friend took her last breath on this earth and when her husband and 3 children had to say goodbye. Can anything be more *un*natural? Can anyone looking at that scene *not* see how innately wrong that is? A friend and I were fortunate enough to have been able to spend the morning with her and her suffering was glaring. So, while I was not prepared, and I was not ready for her to leave us, I am glad that she is no longer in pain.

I will close this out with some words. I know a lot of people say that words are cheap, but I have never experienced that. I like words, they are very powerful. They can be clever, and thoughtful, full of nuance and truth, and they can be crafted in a myriad of ways that convey *exactly* what I'm feeling about almost any subject if I consider it long enough (and have my thesaurus handy). And, although you can never sum up a person in entirety with words, you can define to a certain extent what they meant to you. So, here, in a list of words is how I experienced Tracy: friend, confidant, mother, wife, sister, daughter, avid volunteer, faithful, strong, loving, open, engaging, vibrant, caring, gifted, bright, funny, giver of parties, kind, outgoing, beautiful, and fair.

Oh, and I will include 3 last words too: loved, missed, remembered.

Not all parenting tasks are created equally

I am facing a loss and as much as it pains me, I have a larger worry. As difficult as it is to accept the impending death of a friend, a fellow mother, it is even harder to contemplate how to explain to my eleven year old that her best friend's mom is going to die. Some lessons in life are harder than others and I had hoped to spare Chloe this particular lesson until she was older. But the world isn't perfect, or even fair for that matter, and we're stuck making sense of the hand we're dealt.

Which leaves me with consoling a child who will miss an adult she is fond of, and has known most of her life, and who will grieve for her friend. More troubling to me is how to confront her loss of faith in constancy and stability. Chloe will now have to face the sad truth that her parents are indeed vulnerable. Anyone can die, and that is a scary truth to deal with at any age. We have been very fortunate and blessed, Chloe has enjoyed an extremely sheltered childhood with few notable traumas. No deaths or divorces have marred her life up to this point. Which I guess means, sadly it's time.

Parenting is never a simple task, but some aspects are markedly more challenging than others. I want Chloe to be able to empathize with her friend's loss, but not to identify with it so strongly that she loses her own sense of security. And, I get to manage this while dealing with the sadness of losing a second young friend to cancer.

For us the answer lies in our faith. Because I need Chloe to understand that, even in the face of the worst tragedy, God is with her, and promises to shoulder that grief for her. I can't assure Chloe that her dad and I won't get sick, or die, but what I can give her is the promise that only God can make. The promise that death is not the end for those with a belief in Christ, that her hope and faith in a secure future, while not guaranteed on this earth, is a certainty with her Heavenly Father. But even armed with that knowledge it's hard to say goodbye, and it's hard to watch those you love suffer. I suspect it's something we'll both be struggling with for the next few weeks.

"Soul"y Responsible

My blog has been kind of quiet lately, I'm guessing that's in part due to a break that my "Boundaries" study group has taken over the last few weeks. Those women just have an unbelievably, gentle way of dragging me kicking and screaming to the truth. The clarity that comes out of these study times sometimes astounds me. Today was one of those days.

We started off talking about one member's daughter who has gone off to college. Academically she's got it all together, her spiritual life however is proving to be a bigger challenge, at least that's what her mom is worried about. We sat and listened and let her talk it out, and then we all agreed that in the end, it's just hard letting them go and potentially fall victim to the very things we worked so hard, for so many years protecting them from.

I said "it's hard to be a parent and be solely responsible for someone". And that's when it hit me like a ton of bricks, which is an odd euphemism for hearing God break in and speak to you, but in all honesty my guess is, that due to a general lack of perception on my part, bricks are what He's left with in order to garner my attention. The truth is, that no one loves your child the way God does, no one *knows* your child like God does, and certainly no one has a bigger investment in their success than He does.

You'd have thought it was a lesson I had already learned with one of my own. In second grade Chloe had a horrible, horrible year. To begin with she was struggling with a lack of focus, and compounding that problem was a classroom setting worthy of a horror movie. An incredibly disturbed child continually acted out violently, finally necessitating a code word for classroom evacuation. At the end of the year, many people encouraged me to write letters requesting specific teachers, or classroom settings, which I will admit I was tempted to do. In the end though, I decided to test God, took a leap of faith, and just gave the whole situation over to Him, with the understanding that no one had more insight about what Chloe needed than He did. The results could not have been better. In every way 3rd grade was a success, and I learned my first real lesson in intentional prayer, and entrusting my children to God.

I'd love to tell you how consistent I am with that faith, but we all know how untrue that would be. Realistically it's a process, one of God raising my husband and me while we, along with Him, raise our children. In the give and take of every day life we have to remind ourselves daily of His promise to walk alongside us in partnership as we uncover the mysteries of His wonderful gifts that are our children.

Maybe you're skeptical, a control freak, or just really don't believe it. If so, I have a challenge for you. The next time you're faced with a particularly difficult parenting decision, take a moment and ask the One who uniquely knit that child in your womb *His* perspective, and I promise parenting will never be the same again.

Adventures in swim suit buying. (An oldie but goodie)

Well, as you know, I have an exotic trip coming up and need a bathing suit. So I see this beautiful orange wrap style "slimsuit" in a catalog with a matching pareo and I just *know* it's going to look great on me. I envision Andre and I walking hand in hand on this white sand beach with me looking stunning in my glamorous suit. Fast forward to yesterday when it finally arrived. My first inclination of trouble should have been when I felt the fabric. I mean, this is like high grade rubber, Chloe could use it for a trampoline! Well, I think, it's a tummy control panel and I continued to try it on.
The darn thing actually comes with instructions! "Step one: inch the slimsuit on slowly as you would a pair of pantyhose." Check. "Step two: position underwire under breasts." Well, it's more like: lift sagging boobs above underwire, but OK, check. "Step three: VERY carefully pull straps up taking care as to not accidentally unfasten said straps which could literally slingshot around and do permanent eye damage." (OK, so I added the part about the slingshot, you get the picture). Check. "Step four: stand back and admire. Slimsuit will take at least one inch off your waist and hips." Check. I mean it really DOES take off an inch and looks great, until I look at the view from the rear. OMG, it has taken an inch of fat off and PUSHED it up where no fat should be. I mean, now I have a hump the size of Mt. Everest! I look like Quasimoto! But, never fear, I have yet to wrap the gorgeous pareo around my now cinched waist. Surely that will distract from the obvious lump displayed on my upper back. BTW, how the heck do you tie those things anyway? OK, check, it's tied, but now I realize that I just look like a camel in an orange rubber tube with a rag tied around my waist. So, now the question remains: Do I need to visit the tanning booth before my trip if I'm going to wear a full length robe on the beach???

In life you can't always get the upper locker

I did the first round of registration at middle school for my youngest child today. It was bittersweet; I can't believe my "baby" is almost 12, well honestly that's easier to swallow than having my oldest be almost 21, or turning 45 next month, but I digress.
It's an exciting and nerve wracking time entering middle school to be sure, so I wasn't completely surprised at the range of emotions the kids displayed today. I *was* shocked though at some of the parental responses to those emotions. One child, when assigned a lower locker, burst into tears. The upper lockers are always coveted because people tend to drop things, sometimes heavy things on those with lower lockers. I get the disappointment, but crying? Really?
Back in the day, if that had happened a parent would have said "it's ok, it's not that bad, you'll get used to it" and let it go. Nowadays the first thing a parent would do is march over and demand another locker to "fix it", so that their child would be happy. Because that's what matters now, that their children always be happy and never, ever be disappointed.
The sad thing is, what does that teach them, other than that they're entitled to whatever they want, whenever they want it? That all they need to do is throw a hissy fit until they get their way? And, it's not just about gaining material things.
We have an entire generation of people who have lost the ability to learn from their adversities. And there is much to be learned. Appreciation, grace, dignity, and humility are just a few of the skills that come to mind. Being able to handle a fiasco with tact and finesse is a lost art, as anyone who has entered an airport recently can attest to. Instead, we're faced with an army of angry, demanding, unyielding people. Where does that leave us?
There's certainly nothing wrong with striving for a particular thing, or outcome. Just like there is nothing wrong with being sad when it doesn't work out. The gift is in the lesson learned in the meantime. As Mick Jagger said "You can't always get what you want. You can try sometimes, and you just might find you get what you need". And, in the end, isn't that what we *really* want for our kids, that they find what they need?

Reality Check

Last week my daughter and I watched (or should I say, were shocked and couldn't look away from) the reality show "Jerseylicious". For those of you who have not seen the show (and it definitely is a "show"), and feel the need to delve into the seedier part of life, you can tune in and experience it for yourselves. My blog is not about the show per se, although it, and pretty much every other minute of reality television could certainly provide a ton of writing material. It's really about one of the story lines this week that revolved around an interesting practice apparently popular in New Jersey called "Trash the Dress". The premise being that you don your wedding dress (post wedding of course) and literally "trash" your dress while being photographed. I must admit the idea was completely foreign and bizarre to me. Who would spend all that money on a dress only to purposely destroy it? And then I realized my larger concern, *everything* in our society is disposable.
Clearly the ability to have disposable, single use items such as diapers, razors and soda cans is a huge convenience. But, the term "disposable" has so invaded our vocabularies that it's attached to all manner of things from plates and cameras to incomes. The problem, in my opinion, is that too many individuals seem to treat their entire lives like paper napkins,to use and toss. This approach is applied to everything from material possessions to marriages. Nothing is cherished, or deemed important enough to really work at or salvage. Sick of your cell phone? Buy a new one. Not satisfied with your job? Find another. Marriage hit a rough spot? No problem, there's no fault divorce.
When did we sink so low as to rate our relationships like our toys, to be tossed aside at the first sign of frustration, boredom, or inconvenience? In our zeal to take advantage of our multitudes of blessings we have failed to appreciate the biggest ones of all, each other. The definition of disposable is "expendable", and "unnecessary". Really? Is that what people are now? Are our friendships, families, marriages and even pregnancies so unimportant, so easily replaced that they can be thrown away so readily?
I hope not, I pray not, because in my experience there is nothing so valuable, so irreplaceable as people. The only things we should be tossing are the things taking the place of what's really important.