Well, as you know, I have an exotic trip coming up and need a bathing suit. So I see this beautiful orange wrap style "slimsuit" in a catalog with a matching pareo and I just *know* it's going to look great on me. I envision Andre and I walking hand in hand on this white sand beach with me looking stunning in my glamorous suit. Fast forward to yesterday when it finally arrived. My first inclination of trouble should have been when I felt the fabric. I mean, this is like high grade rubber, Chloe could use it for a trampoline! Well, I think, it's a tummy control panel and I continued to try it on.
The darn thing actually comes with instructions! "Step one: inch the slimsuit on slowly as you would a pair of pantyhose." Check. "Step two: position underwire under breasts." Well, it's more like: lift sagging boobs above underwire, but OK, check. "Step three: VERY carefully pull straps up taking care as to not accidentally unfasten said straps which could literally slingshot around and do permanent eye damage." (OK, so I added the part about the slingshot, you get the picture). Check. "Step four: stand back and admire. Slimsuit will take at least one inch off your waist and hips." Check. I mean it really DOES take off an inch and looks great, until I look at the view from the rear. OMG, it has taken an inch of fat off and PUSHED it up where no fat should be. I mean, now I have a hump the size of Mt. Everest! I look like Quasimoto! But, never fear, I have yet to wrap the gorgeous pareo around my now cinched waist. Surely that will distract from the obvious lump displayed on my upper back. BTW, how the heck do you tie those things anyway? OK, check, it's tied, but now I realize that I just look like a camel in an orange rubber tube with a rag tied around my waist. So, now the question remains: Do I need to visit the tanning booth before my trip if I'm going to wear a full length robe on the beach???
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